Today I start this journey to becoming a better person, becoming at peace with my past and the traumas I've face in my life. I will also be working on my physical health as well as mental health.
I signed up for DDP Yoga and so far I've been liking it. It feels nice to feel like I have a direction in my life now. In this blog I will share my journey and I will share the past even. I will share the thought process that has gone into some of the music and maybe I can add some videos on here showing the process. Maybe some musical playthroughs and what not. I will also share some of my artwork and maybe some poetry. This project is all about obtaining that feeling of being free and loving life. With that comes darker moments and darker experiences. Learning how to take the bad and the good both with loving arms is going to be a struggle but I look forward to getting there. Hopefully my journey and past can help inspire someone struggling with depression and CPTSD like I do.
My story starts here, back in July of the 80s. I was born to a couple that was so young that honestly they should have never thought of having kids. Probably where a lot of the issues developed. My mom and dad didn't have the best marriage and they ended up divorcing when I was like two or something. My sister was only 10 months younger than me. I honestly don't remember much from that time as well I was super young. Supposedly my mom and dad would fight all the time and eventually my mom cheated on my dad. Which lead to them splitting. From what I can remember I went from living with my grandma to living with aunts and etc. It was a strange time. I grew really close to all those who helped raise me at some point. Especially my grandmother and my grandfather. I really do miss them daily. My grandma was probably the sweetest woman on this planet. At least that is all I saw.
Somehow I ended up with my dad again and experienced some abuse from his new wife at the time. I didn't understand what was going on or why all this was happening. Her and my dad were having a baby. It was going to be another little girl, another sister. I was so excited to be a brother again but this time being able to watch her grow as I was big brother. That was a short lived dream though as we were kicked out of the house and my dad had to give up his rights. The mom was threatening us and our safety. I don't blame my dad but I have cried many of nights thinking about the sibling that doesn't even know or care to know I am here. My hope is that one day she will figure it all out and come find me.
Well, after all that I ended up with my grandma again. Leave there for a little bit until my mom convinced someone to let us live with her. Not sure how that happened but she was remarried and I now had a brother. After a short time she just up and left with us one day and moved the whole family to another state. My dad had no idea where we were and well that's when the chaos started. My mom was what you would call a trouble soul. She was bipolar and schizophrenic. I didn't know this at the time but I believe maybe the drugs she was using kind of pushed it all into overdrive. I sometimes wonder if she would still be here if it wasn't for her going down that path. I wondered what kind of person that would've made me if all my traumas that happened after the start of her drug abuse, never happened. I will never know, I guess. The story is far from over this is just the first chapter of my story. My path to becoming who I am. The father I am, and the heart I wear on my sleeve.
Return weekly for a continuation of my story and return daily for other goodies. Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog entry. I am new to this but I figured maybe my story might help someone dealing with CPTSD like I do.